My poetry collection, IN(TENSE), was recently put up for sale. I've taken a risk here – and I’ve wrestled with one key question: What if they really read my poetry?
The reality is frightening. Readers will find my walks with demons. They’d find my struggles with depression, alcohol, and faith. They’d see the darkness of me. Sometimes I wrote from perspectives which weren’t my own. I wrote free form, and sometimes my line breaks won’t make sense. For as long as IN(TENSE) is out there in the world I will be unable to guard the versions of myself who make up its pages.
I used to share my poetry without hesitation. I wrote it on napkins just to leave around for someone to find. I would regale strangers at an open mic. But then, for some reason, I retracted. If I am honest, I’ve been less dedicated to displaying a truthful image of myself. I grew my career. I made friends, lost some, and got a little older. But I bowed my head, again, to a world where men are still encouraged not to share their feelings. And that’s what my poetry is. It’s the feelings I’ve wrestled with – whether by my own struggles, or by the observations I’ve made in others.
I admit that now, as books arrive at doors, I am nervous. I am nervous that my friends and connections will, by reading my poetry, regard me differently.. The sense that cannot be changed or marred or deterred. The image of myself I have now put into the world is one of genuine reality. Ultimately, it is the image that I should want them to see. I should hope that the exposé of a writer going blind can be dark. That it can be honest. I am nervous and that’s okay. My walls are gone – but I am not wholly convinced that the dangers I’ve imagined are anything more than fantasy.
A brighter day waits for me on the other side of this release. I can now strive to accept myself while knowing that those who willingly choose to accept me do so for the whole picture of me. The brights and shadows alike. So, I hope that they read my poetry. For no reason beyond the opportunity to be seen for who I really am – and how it is I’ve become who I am today.
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